My former classmates have just submitted their applications for residency.
It’s hard to imagine that will be me in a year, especially since I haven’t figured out what specialty I want to go into yet.
I haven’t hated any rotation (so far) so much that I wouldn’t go into that specialty. But I haven’t loved any of them either. Hopefully the electives I signed up for will help narrow it down. At least I have a few more months to decide.
According to Wikipedia, impostor syndrome is “a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Ever since I started medical school, I have felt this way.
It’s interesting because in college, I did well without much work or stress. I figured I was coasting along since I picked easier classes, had some good luck, and relying on some kind of innate “talent” or “brains”.
That stopped as soon as medical school began. Everyone else was so smart – they were at the top of their classes in college, learned much more quickly than me, and just knew everything. Our grades were pass or fail, determined by a cutoff relative to the class average. I was doing so poorly I thought I should just drop out and pick another profession. One that I knew I could be good at. The only reason that didn’t happen was because I couldn’t think of any.
Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder during medical school didn’t help. Now it became more than just “what if they find out I’m not smart?? I don’t deserve to be here”. Thoughts like “what if they found out I’m crazy too? Now they’ll really kick me out!” started entering my mind.
I know it’s all irrational. I know it’s common. I just wish I could make it go away.